Healthy Relationships

Healthy Couple Relationships

Healthy couple will:

· Tolerate and respect of individual differences

· Accept responsibility for one’s own thoughts, feels and behavior

· Experience a give and take relationship

· Have realistic values and expectations

· Exchange caring behaviors

· Want to know his/her partner and to be known

· Communicate effectively

· Enjoy freedom to express all emotions

· Spend time together

· Make sure both partners’ needs are being met in a balanced way

· Share in decision-making

· Celebrate their partnership

When we are looking at our relationships – we need to be aware of the things that have impacted us in the past, those things which make up who we are, how we think, how we feel, what we fear, how we communicate, how we respond to life’s stressors and how close we let others get to us. At the same time, we need to acknowledge that the person with whom we are in a relationship with, is also drawing on their past experiences. They may be struggling with issues of their own.

What is an Unhealthy Relationship?

Unhealthy relationships are based on imbalance of any or all of the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control. Some of the examples below can be found in varying degrees in an unhealthy relationship. How many of the examples can you relate to in your relationship? In violent relationships, one person uses or threats to use forceful, physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological or spiritual means to coerce another, to do something that they want, in order to maintain their control in a relationship.

Some examples are:

Isolation	Controlling what another does, who they see, talk to, where they go
Jealousy	Making false accusations and/or getting angry when the other person talks to others/doesn’t pay enough attention to them, questioning (interrogating) a person about where they were or who they are with, not believing the answers they give, using cell phones and pagers to keep track of a person.
Criticism	The way a person talks, thinks, dresses, dances, walks, the way they do things, etc.
Intimidation	Putting them in fear by: making threats, using looks, actions, gestures, loud voices, smashing things, destroying property
Using Privilege	Treating a person like they are a servant of lesser value. Making all the BIG decisions. Acting like the MASTER.
Threats	Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to harm another. Threaten to take the children, commit suicide, report them to welfare/family services, blackmail, extortion, etc. Threaten to leave them with nothing. Using privileged personal information (past history) against that person.
Using the Children	Using the children as leverage to get something they want from you. Making the person feel guilty about their parenting skills, using the children to deliver negative messages, using visitation as a way to harass the other, complaining about the other to the children
Sexual Abuse	Forcing/coercing a person to do sexual things against their will. Physically attacking the sexual parts of another’s body. Treating another as a sexual object. Unwanted sexual experiences which are degrading, hurtful, unpleasant and/or painful. Witholding sexual contact as leverage to get what they want – NO MEANS NO.
Economic Abuse	Trying to keep them from getting a job or keeping a job. Interfering with their work (constant phone calls and unwanted harassment at a person’s workplace – putting their employment in jeopardy). Making them ask/beg for money, giving them an allowance, making them account for every penny spent, taking their money, gambling their money.
Emotional Abuse	Putting them down or making them feel bad about themselves, calling them names. Dumb, stupid, clumsy, idiot, whore etc). Telling lies. Distorting the truth/making a person second guess their perceptions/ Making them think they are crazy by playing mind games. Making unrealistic demands.
Physical Abuse/ Aggression	Pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, punching, kicking, using a weapon, beating, twisting arms, tripping, biting, harming another person, pet or others’ belongings.
Gender Disrespect	Negative comments on how a person is dressed, their life-style, their physical/sexual attributes or any vague/general negative gender comments directed at a person.
Drug/Alcohol/ Substance Abuse	The abuse or overuse of a substance by a person which negatively impacts the relationship. The dynamics of substance abuse can include any/all of the previous examples used.

No one is comfortable looking at these definitions, especially if we have treated another or have been treated in any of the ways listed above.

We usually think of abuse as physical attacks on our person – however, abuse is about power and control – and it attacks the mental, emotional and spiritual part of our being as well. It is about ‘how can I best get my own way’ – and people use different forms in order to do this. When relationships are deteriorating – any person – even those who would never dream of physically harming anyone or anything, are at risk of abusive behavior. How many characteristics are there in your relationship? If individuals continue to act and react in the negative, old familiar pattern they are bound to destroy the relationship and each other. Abuse is serious.

Physical Abuse: any forceful or violent physical behavior towards another such as hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, pushing, biting, burning, choking, restraining, using a weapon, breaking bones, denying a person medical treatment, bondage and murder.

Sexual Abuse: any non-consenting sexual act or behavior including forced sex when you are sleeping, drunk, high, unable to say no, afraid to say no, after having said no or at any point when your “NO” is not respected.

Emotional Abuse: anything that attacks your self-esteem or who you are including: name calling, criticism, being blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong, having affection withheld, not being treated with respect in public or around family/friends, being mocked, accused of things which are untrue, having family members criticized, being told what you have to say is not important, etc.

Spiritual Abuse: being denied to participate in or explore your own spirituality, forcing you to accept and/or participate in spiritual activities you do not believe in, mocking your beliefs, using religion in order to control or harm you.

Psychological Abuse: anything done to you involving hurt, anger, fear and degradation including: being threatened with physical violence, threatened with a weapon, to have children or pets harmed, to have property hidden, stolen, destroyed, vague threats, forced to stay awake or to get up from sleep, confined to the house, having objects thrown and/or broken, punching walls, slamming doors, monitoring/limiting your sue of the phone, screening your calls, keeping you from friends and family, refusing to let you work, following you (stalking you), interrupting your meals, keeping you from doing the things you enjoy, controlling all the finances, refusing to work, spending all the family money on themselves or their addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc), acting as though the work you do is of no value, restricting you to certain rooms, denying you access to certain rooms, checking the mileage on the car, jealousy, forcing you to do things you don’t like, insisting that you be with them all the time, going through your personal things without your consent, having to account for any time spent apart, having to account for any money spent, making endless lists of things for you to do in impossible time frames, threatening that they will leave or commit suicide if you don’t do something they want or do something they don’t want you to.

Financial Abuse: anything done to control you financially, taking your pay cheque from you, refusing you money to take care of your basic needs, denying you or your children the basic necessities when there is a financial means to do so, making you beg for money for basic needs, not including you in financial decisions, using the family financial resources to feed an addiction, etc.

Let’s take a look at some of the characteristics of the person who has the power and the one who doesn’t. This portion is meant to bring you understanding that there are often negative parallels in the characteristics of each which result in a chaotic, unhealthy relationship experience

A person able to take an honest look at them-self and recognize the presence of any of these characteristics can then look for ways to make changes in how they behave towards others.

How power and control with violence works:

chart representing the cycle of violence

Most of the time, abuse doesn't occur continually, but rather in a cycle. The cycle of violence is made up of four phases:

Build-up:

· Some stress (ie: job, money or bills) begins this part of the cycle. The stress causes the abuser to feel powerless. The abuser chooses to act out toward a spouse or partner through name calling, insults, accusations.

· As the tension builds, the victim tries to calm the abuser and anticipate his/her every need.

· The tension becomes unbearable...like "walking on egg shells".

Act Out:

· The tension that builds up leads to severe verbal abuse, violent physical or sexual attack.

· It may happen once or again and again.

· Abuse is always intentional and never an accident. The motivation for any type of abuse is to hurt, humiliate or have power and control over an individual.

Rationalize/Justify:

· In this phase the abuser uses defense mechanisms such as blaming others or minimizing violence.

· Defense mechanisms are used to turn blame away from the abuser and make him/her feel better. The abuser defines the abuse and interprets how things "really are". The abused partner begins to believe this interpretation.

Pretend Normal:

Once the rationalize/justify step is in place, both partners try to make the relationship continue in a normal way by pretending that everything is all right. However, the cycle of abuse will continue, if the problems in the relationship are not addressed.

The cycle can cover a long or short period of time. Often, as the pattern continues, the violence increases. The assaults can also become more serious.

Often, a victim caught up in the cycle becomes isolated from family and friends. The victim may feel ashamed to see them, or is told by the abuser not to communicate with them. The abuser may also make it more difficult for the victim to communicate with family and friends. In this way, the victim becomes more dependent on the abuser, and has few or no other people to help. Over time, guilt and shame for being abused leads to a sense of helplessness and lowered self esteem. This in turn leads to being physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained. This makes it difficult to think things through and to make a plan for change. The victim feels locked in and isn’t sure what they need to do next or have the energy to take the step.

This cycle will continue indefinitely. Do you want it to stop? There are a number of resources that can assist you with the issues you may be facing in deciding to leave an abusive relationship. Check out the links on this website for further information. You owe it to yourself and your children to end the violence and abuse. You can heal. You can be healthy. With careful planning there is hope and a brighter future waiting. Take the chance - because YOU ARE WORTH IT!

How can we respect those who abuse us or whom we abuse? How can we have tenderness or intimacy when we have suffered or caused suffering? How can we feel safe? How can we forgive? How can we trust? How can we love? The truth is we can’t and never will under these circumstances. Life, as we now know it must change. So - We must decide.

Basically you have three options:

1 Stay in the situation and continue to abuse/be abused

2 Try and selvage the relationship and get help

3 End the relationship

Are you willing to make the commitment to yourself for a better life?

Unlearning behavior takes time. It is not an overnight process. Everyone moves forward at their own pace. It takes time for a person to learn new ways of responding to life stressors. A person should always be doing the work for themselves because they want to be healthy regardless of whether the present relationship works out or not.

Single and group counseling can be very beneficial in learning about who we are, to understand why we allow(ed) ourselves to be abused, to evaluate what we need and want in life and how we can best attain it. Self Help Workshops and Self-Help Books can also be very helpful. Check out some of the links on this website for helpful resources.

How do you change things around and get to … Healthy?

Signs Of Not Loving Yourself are:

o You allow others to define who you are

o You don’t know yourself very well

o You are unclear about what you want

o You are satisfied if you are just surviving

o You allow his/her promises to change to keep you in an unhealthy relationship

o You are unaware of your own feelings

o You have a high level of anxiety

o You are often victimized

o You suffer a lot of stress-related illnesses (stomachaches, headaches, ulcers, hives, colitis, panic attacks)

o You don’t have guilt-free fun

o You have difficulty with close relationships

o You have trouble accepting gifts and compliments

o You have trouble giving gifts with no “strings” attached

o You sabotage your own progress and success

o You often feel hopeless and helpless

o You feel guilty when you stand up for yourself or act assertively

o You tend to be overly responsible or are very irresponsible

o You tend to give in to others instead of taking care of yourself

o You don’t feel loved, accepted, capable or worthwhile

o You feel like you don’t belong

o You have trouble communicating about yourself

o You tend to stay in relationships that are harmful

The Effects of Not Loving Yourself are:

o You accept anything that is dished out, tolerating neglect and abuse

o You become easily discouraged

o You resist or reject positive people, places and things

o You have difficulty forgiving yourself and others

o You give in at the expense of your own good

o You lack confidence, especially in making decisions

o You are often afraid and confused

o You live a chaotic life from one crisis to the next

o You are driven by the need to be perfect

o You believe you don’t have rights

o You indulge in escapism (fantasy, addictions, compulsions)

o You don’t have clearly defined boundaries and you become entangled with your partners’ needs and emotions

o You become critical of others and yourself

o You confuse love with pity or other intense feelings

o You fear opening up and being real with others

o You miss out on opportunities to be truly loved

Signs of Loving Yourself

o You ask for or find healthy ways to get what you need

o You become satisfied only when thriving (not just surviving)

o You have a strong identity and usually approve of yourself

o You love people who also love themselves

o You relate only to a partner with whom love is given and received

o You let yourself feel anger then find healthy ways to resolve it

o You mostly feel secure and clear

o You know that you always have choices and the power to choose

o You recognize when you are happy and unhappy

o You consider alternative behavior and possible consequences before you act

o You feel comfortable with most people and authority figures

o You take healthy risks to continue to grow personally

o You accept and forgive yourself when you make a mistake

o You feel free to express any emotion (without hurting self/others)

o You find satisfying ways to express your creativity

o You accept consequences and learn lessons from them

o You have confidence in your ability to learn

o You take time to become rested and renewed

o You honor and nurture your spiritual growth

o You have regular medical/dental check ups

o You practice a regular exercise program

o You maintain a sensible diet

Effects of Loving Yourself

o You open yourself up to creativity

o You deal positively with anger, resentment and fear

o You move to greater peace within yourself and with others

o You become a confident person determined to succeed

o You respect yourself and others by honoring healthy boundaries

o Your hope is based on reality

o You are willing to take risks that help you grow

o You become aware that you are capable of enjoying life and making it better and better

o You become more honest with yourself and others

o You open yourself up to love

o You change your focus from what is wrong about you to what is right about you

o You take responsibility for yourself

o You claim your value and potential

o You become more humble, joyful, generous, peaceful, assured, free, harmonious and healthy

Establishing Boundaries

A boundary is a clear line between what is you and what is not you, between what is your responsibility and what is not, between what you will tolerate and what you won’t and between what you have control over and what you don’t.

A boundary can be compared to a fence you build around yourself with a gate and key that you control. As the one in charge of your life, it is up to you to let what is good for you come through the gate and to keep what is bad for you outside the gate. Let the good in and keep the bad out.

There is a difference between a boundary and a wall. Boundaries protect. Walls imprison.

Individuals caught in an abusive relationship are left with deep wounds of fear and distrust. Unless there is healing of these wounds, they remain sore. To protect themselves from getting hurt even more, victims often build walls around their wounded selves. These walls become private prisons of disappointment, survival, and fear. They may keep certain threatening people, places, and things out, but the painful memories and fears remain inside.

Walls aren’t easily removed. Boundaries on the other hand, are flexible. We can compare boundaries to Gortex. It keeps the rain from soaking through to the skin but also lets excess heat escape so that a person remains dry and comfortable. Healthy boundaries allow you to breath. They protect you from harsh elements yet allow you to pursue life without unnecessary discomfort.

A good boundary enables you to feel safe and encourages you personal growth. It sets you free to do what is best.

Type of Boundaries we set:

Body	Relationships	Behavior	Time
Talents	Values	Opinions	Desires
Children	Beliefs	Attitudes	Creativity
Work	Feelings	Giving	Care for self
Choices	Love

Sometimes others will react to new standards/boundaries we set. Any change can be unsettling to them. However, treating yourself with respect is never wrong or bad.

Good boundaries serve others as well as yourself. They take the guesswork out of relationships and save your energy and commitment for people and activities want in your life.

You can exercise your power to choose to accept only those “invitations” that are respectful and safe. You don’t HAVE to DO anything.

Setting boundaries doesn’t ever make abuse get worse. However, you should be aware that saying “NO” to a controlling person can trigger a negative reaction.

Key: Welcome healthy and respectful people and KEEP OUT hurtful people.

Develop a Personal Plan of Action - Freedom To Choose

As a human being we can make decisions and take actions that will help deliver us to inner peace.

The freedom to choose the course of our own lives is our most precious asset.

Our heroes teach us the way of courage. They look into the eyes of what others fear, and speak out with their best voice. They listen intently to those whose voices at times are unsure, with fearless eyes and caring hearts, they show us there is a power within us all.

What is your definition of Freedom?

When Relationships are Abusive

When you speak the truth about abuse, it frees you from a heavy burden. Protecting the abuser empowers the abuse, speaking your truth empowers you. Once you begin to reveal the truth you will find that you can overcome.

Ø What do you envision for your future? Where would you like to live and work?

Ø What do you hope for your children’s future?

Ø What do you want your children to learn from this experience?

Ø How has this experience changed you for the better?

Ø How has this experience changed you for the worst?

Ø What positive message can you instill in your children from this experience?

Ø In hindsight, what are the warning signs and red flags of an abuser?

Ø What are your main concerns with being single or living alone?

Ø How do you plan to support your self and your children?

Communication

Communication is exchanging thoughts, ideas and feelings with others. Communication of effected by personal and environmental factors.

Personal factors include: mood, energy level/fatigue and body language. Environmental factors include: noise, temperatures and other distractions.

Each of us has the right and the responsibility to:

Be listened to
Acknowledge the concerns of others
Say what we feel and think
Say "No" to something we don't want to do or don't believe in, without feeling guilty
Say "I need time to think about that"
Negotiate to resolve differences

Communication Styles

Passive: Hesitates, apologizes, gives in or says nothing. Makes little eye contact, frowns, speaks in a shy or timid voice, or mumbles.

Aggressive: Interrupts, exaggerates, blames, makes demands, uses sarcasm, makes glaring eye contact, yells, swears, calls names, clenches fist, ignores feelings of others.

Passive – Aggressive: Initially apologizes, then makes plan to get even, avoids eye contact, expresses anger through body language or actions (ie: facial expression or slamming a door) instead of through words, ignores the problem for the present but there may be an argument later.

Assertive: Speaks clearly and firmly using statements, shows respect for self and for others, makes steady eye contact, uses an upright confident body posture and a pleasant, firm voice.

Being assertive means:

· You express your feelings and your rights clearly.

· You act in your own best interests but still consider the needs and rights of others.

· You develop trust and equality in your relationships.

· You ask for help when you need it.

Setting Short Term and Long Term Goals

The goals should be for personal healing, growth and health.

Is there a particular issue that is never resolved? The same thing keeps happening over and over. An answer is rarely sought and never found. Each time it comes up – more resentment builds until the situation seems helpless – over time there is distance in the relationship.

Everyone needs goals. Often, we get very comfortable with the way things are, or maybe don’t see any hope – so we exist – day after day – our situation never changes. We get into a rut. If this happens, we may need to establish attainable goals.

How do we establish goals when we are overwhelmed and don’t know where to start?

First make a list of all the issues of concern to you. Separate them into categorizes. Then prioritize them.

For example: You are thinking of leaving a relationship. What are the things you need to consider. The following is a list of questions to ask yourself as a guide to leaving an abusive relationship.

Where will I live?
Am I moving to a location where there are resources I will need? (employment opportunities, schools, doctor, hospital, mental health, community groups and organizations, food bank, etc.)
Do I have a support network? Who are the people who will support my decision and I know I can count on to help me if I need it.
Do I have an income? Is it enough to support me?
Do I need to look for a job?
What things will I be taking with me? Do I have a way of moving them?
Do I have the finances to buy/rent a place to live?
What other things will I need at the new place? Where will I get them?
Do I need to see a lawyer?
Do I need to get interim custody of the children?
Do I foresee any problems with my partner once I tell him/her what I am doing?
Do I need to look at a safety plan?
Should I be getting a protection order?

This list of questions will give you the direction you need to start the process. If you are not sure of your options, click onto one of the link on this website. There are a number of resource center who have trained counselors who can assist you.

When we establish goals, the journey begins. We look at each issue and problem solve. If we don’t have enough information then we need to look for new resources – to find out as much as we can so that we can make informed choices. You may be surprised by the support that is there for you. You may feel discouraged when those you thought would be supportive are not. The main thing is not to let those things get you down. Search for other supports. They are out there. When we are moving on to a healthier life, we are going to learn that there are people out there who don’t want us to be healthy. They want us to stay. They may be afraid.

No one can honestly predict what tomorrow will bring. Does that mean that we never plan for our future? No. However, it does put us on notice to live for today as well.

We need to remember to live today. Life is about our day to day experiences – the journey is more often than not, more important than the goal. In this same way, we tend to ignore issues in our life – thinking that something will happen tomorrow to make everything better – but days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years – and nothing changes – unless we act – knowing something has to change is not enough. We need to be DOERS of what we know is right.

Commitment

In order for anything to succeed there must be an agreement between the individuals involved. If you are on a self journey to healing and growth then the commitment you make will be with yourself. When it comes to relationships with others, one person alone can not bring about the changes that may be necessary to improve the health of the relationship. You can’t force people into commitment. There must be a genuine desire to put in the energy that is needed to build or repair the relationship.

LIFE HAS MANY STRESSORS. IT IS HOW WE RESPOND TO THOSE STRESSORS THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE – WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS – TO RESPOND IN A NEGATIVE AND DAMAGING WAY OR IN A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY WAY.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

Definitions

Healthy	In a state or having good health; characteristics of a sound condition; free of disease or defect
Relationship	A connection by blood or family; kinship; friendship; a natural association
Respect	To show consideration or esteem for; to relate to; courtesy or considerate treatment
Trust	confidence or faith in a person or thing; care or charge; the confidence or arrangement by which property is managed and held for the good or benefit of another person; to have confidence or faith in; to believe; to expect; to entrust; to depend on
Honesty	Not lying, cheating or stealing; having or giving full worth or value
Love	Intense affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; a strong feeling of attraction resulting from sexual desire; enthusiasm or fondness; a score of zero in tennis.
Tenderness	Soft treatment of something fragile, easily damaged or broken; softness; compassionate
Friendship	from friends; someone who is personally well known by oneself and for whom one holds warm regards; a supporter of a cause or group
Partnership	two or more persons who run a business together and share in the profits and losses
Compatible	able to function, exist or live together harmoniously
Compassion	sympathy for someone who is suffering or distressed in some way
Shared	a part or portion given to or by one person; one of equal parts
Values	the quality or worth of something that makes it valuable; a principle regarded worthwhile or desirable To regard very highly; to rate according to importance, worth or usefulness
Clear	free from precipitation and clouds; able to hear, see or think easily; free from doubt or confusion; free from a burden, obligation or guilt
Expectation	The sate or act of expecting; something that is expected and looked forward to; something expected in the future
Laughter	To express amusement, satisfaction or pleasure with inarticulate sounds
Supportive	To bear or hold the weight of; to tolerate; to give assistance or approval
Fun	Not in the dictionary?!
Responsibilities	From responsible; trustworthy; in charge; having authority; being answerable for one’s actions or the actions of others
Good	Having desirable or favorable qualities or characteristics; morally excelling; virtuous; well-behaved; tractable; proper; excellent in degree or quality; unspoiled; fresh; healthy; attractive; forever; permanent
Communication	The act of transmitting ideas through writing or speech; the means to transmit messages between persons or places
Spending	To give out; to use up; to pay; to exhaust
Quality	A high degree of excellence
Time	A continuous period measured by clocks, watches and calendars; the period or moment in which something happens or takes place
Fidelity	Faithfulness or loyalty to obligations, vows and duties. The degree to which electronic equipment receives and transmits input signals without distortion
Transparency	Admission of light so that images and objects can be clearly viewed; easy to understand; obvious
Acceptance	Approval or belief; an accepting or being accepted. To take what is given, to believe to be true; to agree
Appreciate	To recognize the worth, quality, or significance; to value very highly; to be aware of; to realize; to increase in price or value
Appreciation	The expression of admiration, gratitude, or approval; increase in value
Safety	From safe: secure from danger, harm or evil
Space	The unlimited area in all directions in which events occur and have relative direction; an interval of time
Forgiveness	To pardon; to give up resentment; to cease to feel resentment against
Repentance	To feel regret for something which has occurred; to change one’s sinful way
Sinful	The act of doing something which is morally wrong
Common	Having to do with; belonging to
Goal	A purpose; the area or space into which participants must direct play in order to score
Commitment	An action work: to pledge; to give someone into another’s care for safe keeping, care, custody or the like; to entrust; to involve oneself in difficulties

SAFETY PLANNING - The Protection Plan

What is a protection plan?

A protection plan will help you and your children get to a safe place when you are in danger. The plan will include where to go, and what you need to take with you, if you’re forced to leave your home to escape from a violent partner.

When do you need a protection plan?

If you are in an abusive relationship

When you are living within the cycle of violence you need to be prepared to get yourself and your children to safety when you feel tension building.

If you have recently left an abusive relationship

If you remain in the family home, it is possible your partner may return and threaten or assault you again. Even if you have obtained a court order, that is no guarantee that the abuser will stay away.

If you leave the family home, your partner may search for you, and threaten or assault you.

DEFINITIONS

Definition of Abuse

The use of or the threat to use forceful physical, sexual, emotional, verbal/psychological means by one person to coerce another to do something that they want in order to maintain their control in the relationship.

Physical Abuse

Any forceful or violent physical behavior towards you.

Hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, pushing, shoving, scratching, biting, burning, pulling hair, choking, restraining, spitting at/on a person, throwing an object at a person, throwing a person bodily, using a weapon, abandoning a person in an unsafe place, breaking bones, denying a person medical treatment, murder.

Sexual Abuse

Any non-consenting sexual act or behavior.

Forced sex when you are sleeping, drunk, high, unable to say no, afraid to say no, after having said no or without asking, unwanted touching, forced to perform an unwanted sex act, forced to watch or participate in a sexual activity against your will.

Emotional Abuse

Anything that attacks a person’s self-esteem or who they are.

Name calling, the silent treatment, ignoring, being told you can’t do anything right, being blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong, having affection withheld, not treated well in public or around friends, being mocked (laughed at), having family members criticized, insulted, belittled, being cut off or interrupted (what you have to say is not important), being criticized or ridiculed (your body, personality, education, thoughts, values, ideas, job, the way you dress, do things, your faults or strengths, etc.)

Psychological Abuse

Anything done to you involving hurt, anger, fear and degradation.

Threatened with physical violence, threatened with a weapon, to have pets, children harmed, to have your property hidden, stolen, destroyed, vague threats, forced to stay awake or to get up from sleep, confined to the house, having objects thrown and/or broken, punching walls, slamming doors, monitoring/limiting use of the phone, keeping you from friends and family, refusing to let you work, following you (stalking you), interrupting your meals, keeping you from doing the things you enjoy, controlling the finances, making you beg for money, refusing to work, spending all the family money on themselves or their addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc), acting as though the work you do is of no value, restricting you to certain rooms, denying you access to certain rooms, checking the km odometer on the car, jealousy, forcing you to do things you don’t like, insisting that you be with them all the time, insisting that you carry a cell phone in order to keep track of your whereabouts, going through you personal things without your consent, having to account for any time spent apart, having to account for any money spent, making endless lists of things for you to do in impossible time frames, threatening that they will leave or commit suicide if you don’t do something they want or do something they don’t want you to.

Financial Abuse

Anything done to control you financially, including taking your paycheque from you, refusing you money to take care of your basic needs, denying you or your children the basic necessities when there is a financial means to do so, making you beg for money for basic needs, not including you in financial decisions, using the family financial resources to feed an addiction, etc.

Spiritual Abuse

Being denied to participate in or explore your own spirituality, forcing you to accept and/or participate in spiritual activities you do not believe in, mocking your beliefs, using religion in order to control or harm you.

3^rd Party Abuse – Child Witnesses

Many children who witness violence and abuse within the home have been found to have higher levels of behavioral and emotional problems than other children. The impact varies according to their age, sex and role in the family. Some children feel responsible for the violence/abuse. They may think that they are making things easier for the parents by appearing to cope with the situation, by trying to be quieter, and by not saying how they feel. While most children escape without physical injury they may bear emotional scars which in many cases can last a lifetime.

Effects on children include:

Feelings of fear, anger, depression, grief, shame, despair and distrust; a sense of powerlessness; physical reactions such as stomach cramps, headaches, sleeping and eating difficulties, frequent illness; slow developmental capacities such as poor school performance, low self-esteem, difficulty relating to peers; substance abuse; behavioral problems such as running away from home, acting out, aggressive language and behavior; learning that violence is a legitimate means for resolving conflict, or for obtaining control of a situation.

MYTHS

Among the most common of these myths are:

a. Children are not aware of the violence in the home if the parents do not

behave violently with each other in front of them. Research has demonstrated

that 80% to 90% of children in homes characterized by partner violence are

aware of and affected by the violence (Fitzgerald, 1999; Wolak & Finkelhor,

1998).

b. Children do not think about or commit suicide. Although adolescence are

more prone to suicide, young children also suffer from depression and suicide

ideology. In Canada suicide is the second leading cause of death for children

and youth ages 10 to 24 (Canadian Mental Association, 2001), with males

more often committing suicide than females (Statistics Canada, 2005).

Children exposed to violence in the home are particularly at risk (McWhirter,

McWhirter, McWhirter, & McWhirter, 2004).

Reasons why children may consider or act on suicide include:

• Attempt to regain control in their lives

• Retaliation or revenge against real or perceived wrongs

• Fantasies about reunion with loved ones who have died

• Relief or escape from unbearable pain

• Seeing themselves as the family scapegoat

• To distract the family from other issues such as divorce

• Acting out a covert or overt desire of a parent to be rid of the child

(Centre for Suicide Prevention, referencing Goldman & Beardslee, p.429)

c. Corporal punishment of children has no negative effects. The literature

indicates that corporal punishment can easily lead to abuse and that physical

discipline negatively effects children’s sense of self and transmits messages

about the acceptability of the use of violence (Trocme, et al., 2001;Voices for

Children, 2003).

~ LIVE LIFE – BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE ~