|
|
Things we need to learn and do:
The
following information can be used in every relationship you have. Whether the relationship is with your
spouse, partner, parent, children, siblings, friends, co-workers or the
person living next door. The
principles are the same. What this
information will not give you, is the recipe for a
perfect relationship, simply because they DON’T EXIST.
How do we know if our relationships are healthy or not? Is there a particular issue that is never
resolved? Does the same thing keep coming
up over and over? Do you feel
frustrated and/or resentful? Are you
feeling distant in the relationship?
Does the situation seem hopeless? What is the issue? What seems to be the problem? How do you feel about it and how does
the other person feel about it? If you
take the time to understand the basis of your issue then you can make a
decision to resolve it and become healthy.
Healthy individuals are a must for a healthy relationship. Healthy individuals are honest with
themselves, they understand their shortcomings, the areas where they need
growth and are willing to address them. They are not only willing but do
follow through. Healthy individuals
challenge themselves. They understand their strengths and honor themselves as
persons. They have good self-esteem. They have vision. They have goals. They strive for physical, mental and
emotional healthy. They accept the
shortcomings of others. They see the
positive aspects of others. They
recognize that not everyone can agree on all things. They recognize that there is more than one
way to do something right. They have
firm values but they are not rigid.
They are willing to learn. They
are willing to listen. They know what
they are willing and not willing to compromise. They respect themselves and others. (see point 5 - recognize our self worth) We
learn about relationships through our family, friends, school, neighbors from a very early age. Our experiences affect our values and
expectations. They directly affect our
ability to communicate, to express our needs, opinions and emotions, to listen, to
make decisions, to compromise, to share, to learn and to understand. 1. What is a Healthy Relationship What
does a healthy relationship consist of?
A healthy relationship involves a number of components or
ingredients. The chart below lists
some of the words that define a healthy relationship. Add any other words that relate to YOU.
These ingredients are the keys on which to build a relationship. These keys are the ideal (they are the goal
we work toward) and our ability to realize them is dependent on a number of
factors. We may struggle in one or
more of these areas. Much of this is
due to our past experiences.
Everyone has their own unique experience. Healthy
Couple Relationships
Healthy
couple will: ·
Tolerate
and respect of individual differences ·
Accept
responsibility for one’s own thoughts, feels and behavior ·
Experience
a give and take relationship ·
Have
realistic values and expectations ·
Exchange
caring behaviors ·
Want
to know his/her partner and to be known ·
Communicate
effectively ·
Enjoy
freedom to express all emotions ·
Spend
time together ·
Make
sure both partners’ needs are being met in a balanced way ·
Share
in decision-making ·
Celebrate
their partnership When
we are looking at our relationships – we need to be aware of the things that
have impacted us in the past, those things which make up who we are, how we
think, how we feel, what we fear, how we communicate, how we respond to
life’s stressors and how close we let others get to us. At the same time, we need to acknowledge
that the person with whom we are in a relationship with, is also drawing on
their past experiences. They may be
struggling with issues of their own. 2. What is an
Unhealthy Relationship? Unhealthy
relationships are based on imbalance of any or all of the ingredients of a
healthy relationship. Unhealthy
relationships are based on power and control.
Some of the examples below can be found in varying degrees in an
unhealthy relationship. How many of
the examples can you relate to in your relationship? In violent relationships, one person uses
or threats to use forceful, physical, sexual, emotional, verbal,
psychological or spiritual means to coerce another, to do something that they
want, in order to maintain their control in a relationship. Some
examples are:
No
one is comfortable looking at these definitions, especially if we have
treated another or have been treated in any of the ways listed above.
We usually think of abuse as physical attacks on our person – however,
abuse is about power and control – and it attacks the mental, emotional and
spiritual part of our being as well. It is about ‘how can I best get my own
way’ – and people use different forms in order to do this. When relationships are deteriorating – any
person – even those who would never dream of physically harming anyone or
anything, are at risk of abusive behavior.
How many characteristics are there in your relationship? If individuals continue to act and react
in the negative, old familiar pattern they are bound to destroy the relationship
and each other. Abuse is serious. Physical Abuse: any forceful or violent physical behavior
towards another such as hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, pushing,
biting, burning, choking, restraining, using a weapon, breaking bones, denying
a person medical treatment, bondage and murder. Sexual Abuse: any non-consenting sexual act or behavior
including forced sex when you are sleeping, drunk, high, unable to say no,
afraid to say no, after having said no or at any point when your “NO” is not
respected. Emotional Abuse: anything that attacks your self-esteem or
who you are including: name calling,
criticism, being blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong, having
affection withheld, not being treated with respect in public or around
family/friends, being mocked, accused of things which are untrue, having
family members criticized, being told what you have to say is not important,
etc. Spiritual Abuse:
being denied to participate in or explore your own spirituality,
forcing you to accept and/or participate in spiritual activities you do not
believe in, mocking your beliefs, using religion in order to control or harm
you. Psychological Abuse:
anything done to you involving hurt, anger, fear and degradation including: being threatened with physical violence,
threatened with a weapon, to have children or pets harmed, to have property
hidden, stolen, destroyed, vague threats, forced to stay awake or to get up
from sleep, confined to the house, having objects thrown and/or broken,
punching walls, slamming doors, monitoring/limiting your sue of the phone,
screening your calls, keeping you from friends and family, refusing to let
you work, following you (stalking you), interrupting your meals, keeping you
from doing the things you enjoy, controlling all the finances, refusing to
work, spending all the family money on themselves or their addictions
(alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc), acting as though the work you do is of no
value, restricting you to certain rooms, denying you access to certain rooms,
checking the mileage on the car, jealousy, forcing you to do things you don’t
like, insisting that you be with them all the time, going through your
personal things without your consent, having to account for any time spent apart,
having to account for any money spent, making endless lists of things for you
to do in impossible time frames, threatening that they will leave or commit
suicide if you don’t do something they want or do something they don’t want
you to. Financial Abuse: anything done to
control you financially, taking your pay cheque from you, refusing you money
to take care of your basic needs, denying you or your children the basic
necessities when there is a financial means to do so, making you beg for
money for basic needs, not including you in financial decisions, using the
family financial resources to feed an addiction, etc. Let’s
take a look at some of the characteristics of the person who has the
power and the one who doesn’t. This
portion is meant to bring you understanding that there are often negative
parallels in the characteristics of each which result in a chaotic, unhealthy
relationship experience A
person able to take an honest look at them-self and recognize the presence of
any of these characteristics can then look for ways to make changes in how
they behave towards others. How power and control with violence works:
Most of the
time, abuse doesn't occur continually, but rather in a cycle. The cycle
of violence is made up of four phases: Build-up:
·
Some stress (ie:
job, money or bills) begins this part of the cycle. The stress causes
the abuser to feel powerless. The abuser chooses to act out toward a
spouse or partner through name calling, insults, accusations. ·
As the tension builds, the victim
tries to calm the abuser and anticipate his/her every need. ·
The tension becomes unbearable...like
"walking on egg shells". Act
Out:
·
The tension that builds up leads to
severe verbal abuse, violent physical or sexual attack. ·
It may happen once or again and
again. ·
Abuse is always intentional and never
an accident. The motivation for any type of abuse is to hurt, humiliate
or have power and control over an individual. Rationalize/Justify:
·
In this phase the abuser uses defense
mechanisms such as blaming others or minimizing violence. ·
Defense mechanisms are used to turn
blame away from the abuser and make him/her feel better. The abuser
defines the abuse and interprets how things "really are". The
abused partner begins to believe this interpretation. Pretend
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Friends |
Immediate Family |
Extended Family |
|
|
Meeting new people |
Spending time with relatives |
Healthy diet |
Freedom |
|
Time for socializing |
Marriage |
Being physically fit |
Having a hobby |
|
Community involvement |
Birthdays, holidays, Anniversaries |
Being thin |
Having a good name |
|
Travel |
Shared parenting |
Trendy Clothes |
Taking risks |
|
Having time alone as a couple |
|
Having a paying job |
Intimacy |
|
Financial security |
Peace of Mind |
Volunteering |
Trust |
|
Owning own home |
Predictability |
Privacy |
Honesty |
|
Retirement plan |
Education |
Having control |
|
|
Having all the bills paid up to date |
Learning something new |
Respect |
Spirituality |
|
Having your own money |
Having fun |
Affection |
Space |
|
Communicating |
Discussing/debating topics of interest |
Saving the environment |
Owning a vehicle |
|
|
|
|
|
Think carefully about what each value means to
you. What makes it
important/unimportant? What were some
of the things you were thinking about when giving it a rating. Sometimes
you can identify why you might be experiencing difficulties by having the
other person complete the rating and then comparing notes.
Could
you be experiencing conflict due to differences in your value
ratings? Have you ever talked about
these things with the other person?
You’re your style of communication push others away or draw them
closer to you?
Understanding
our values and those we are in relationship with, let us know where we might
experience conflict and provides an opening for discussion in how we can come
to an agreement.
Without
taking the time to determine what we really feel is important and why
it is and then taking the time to discuss differences and work towards a
healthy compromise, we set ourselves up for disappointments and failure.
Taking
the time to understand why we value things as important or unimportant can be
a result of past experiences. Where did your values comes from? What values have you learned as a
child? Do you agree with them?
Everyone
has their own unique history. Some
history is healthy and some unhealthy.
What you experience as a child affects who you are and how you respond
in adult life. You learn about
relationships from a very early age.
Through our family, friends, school, neighbors, etc. Our experiences affect our values. They directly affect our ability to
communicate, to express our needs. To
listen, to make decisions, to compromise, to share, to learn and to
understand.
Not
everything we learn as a child is good.
Just because it happened in our home and everyone did it, does not
make it right or healthy. Look at
your values and ask yourself if you would like them to mean something
different? What would that look
like? What are some of the things you
could do to get what you need?
Often,
we don’t take the time to get to know someone before establishing a serious
relationship with them. Sometimes we
rush into relationships before we get to know who they really are. As time passes, we realize that we have assumed
different things about them because of things they have said or done. We haven’t taken the time to find out the
details. We haven’t taken the time to
see if we are truly compatible. One or the other could have unrealistic
expectations within the relationship.
If you add assumption to the mix then there may be conflict.
Eventually the time will have to be taken to look at these things.
Our
values make up who we really are.
Hopefully by working through Step 1 – 4 you will have a better
understanding of yourself and others.
We
are usually attracted to persons with like values. But just because some of our values are the
same, it doesn’t mean all our values are the same. Conflict arises where the values differ.
If
we become aware that our values are different from the other person, then we can talk about it – make adjustments, come to an
agreement, compromise.
At
times, we live with habits or values or beliefs without questioning why they
are there. They may have served a
valuable purpose for the time but are no longer necessary. We should always question the reasons
behind what we are doing, and then, realize that it is OKAY to change the way
we do things, especially if they aren’t working for us anymore or if they
have NEVER worked for us.
If
we become aware that our responses are due to childhood experiences then we
can then seek help in resolving them and HEAL.
Simply,
if it isn’t working – if it isn’t healthy – if it doesn’t lead to healthy –
you don’t need it.
5. Recognizing our Self Worth - Self
Esteem
Some signs and effect of love and unlove for yourself are listed below:
Signs Of Not Loving Yourself are:
o
You allow others to define who you are
o
You don’t know yourself very well
o
You are unclear about what you want
o
You are satisfied if you are just surviving
o
You allow his/her promises to change to
keep you in an unhealthy relationship
o
You are unaware of your own feelings
o
You have a high level of anxiety
o
You are often victimized
o
You suffer a lot of stress-related illnesses
(stomachaches, headaches, ulcers, hives, colitis, panic attacks)
o
You don’t have guilt-free fun
o
You have difficulty with close
relationships
o
You have trouble accepting gifts and
compliments
o
You have trouble giving gifts with no
“strings” attached
o
You sabotage your own progress and success
o
You often feel hopeless and helpless
o
You feel guilty when you stand up for
yourself or act assertively
o
You tend to be overly responsible or are
very irresponsible
o
You tend to give in to others instead of
taking care of yourself
o
You don’t feel loved, accepted, capable or
worthwhile
o
You feel like you don’t belong
o
You have trouble communicating about
yourself
o
You tend to stay in relationships that are
harmful
The Effects of Not Loving Yourself are:
o You
accept anything that is dished out, tolerating neglect and abuse
o You
become easily discouraged
o You
resist or reject positive people, places and things
o You
have difficulty forgiving yourself and others
o You
give in at the expense of your own good
o You
lack confidence, especially in making decisions
o You
are often afraid and confused
o You
live a chaotic life from one crisis to the next
o You
are driven by the need to be perfect
o You
believe you don’t have rights
o You
indulge in escapism (fantasy, addictions, compulsions)
o You
don’t have clearly defined boundaries and you become entangled with your
partners’ needs and emotions
o You
become critical of others and yourself
o You
confuse love with pity or other intense feelings
o You
fear opening up and being real with others
o You
miss out on opportunities to be truly loved
Signs of Loving Yourself
o
You ask for or find healthy ways to get
what you need
o
You become satisfied only when thriving
(not just surviving)
o
You have a strong identity and usually
approve of yourself
o
You love people who also love themselves
o
You relate only to a partner with whom love
is given and received
o
You let yourself feel anger then find
healthy ways to resolve it
o
You mostly feel secure and clear
o
You know that you always have choices and
the power to choose
o
You recognize when you are happy and
unhappy
o
You consider alternative behavior and
possible consequences before you act
o
You feel comfortable with most people and
authority figures
o
You take healthy risks to continue to grow
personally
o
You accept and forgive yourself when you
make a mistake
o
You feel free to express any emotion
(without hurting self/others)
o
You find satisfying ways to express your
creativity
o
You accept consequences and learn lessons
from them
o
You have confidence in your ability to
learn
o
You take time to become rested and renewed
o
You honor and nurture your spiritual growth
o
You have regular medical/dental check ups
o
You practice a regular exercise program
o
You maintain a sensible diet
Effects of Loving Yourself
o
You open yourself up to creativity
o
You deal positively with anger, resentment
and fear
o
You move to greater peace within yourself
and with others
o
You become a confident person determined to
succeed
o
You respect yourself and others by honoring
healthy boundaries
o
Your hope is based on reality
o
You are willing to take risks that help you
grow
o
You become aware that you are capable of
enjoying life and making it better and better
o
You become more honest with yourself and
others
o
You open yourself up to love
o
You change your focus from what is wrong
about you to what is right about you
o
You take responsibility for yourself
o
You claim your value and potential
o
You become more humble, joyful, generous,
peaceful, assured, free, harmonious and healthy
6. Establishing
Boundaries
A boundary is a clear line between what is you and what is not you, between what is your responsibility and what is not, between what you will tolerate and what you won’t and between what you have control over and what you don’t.
A
boundary can be compared to a fence you build around yourself with a gate and
key that you control. As the one in
charge of your life, it is up to you to let what is good for you come through
the gate and to keep what is bad for you outside the gate. Let the good in and keep the bad out.
There
is a difference between a boundary and a wall. Boundaries protect. Walls imprison.
Individuals
caught in an abusive relationship are left with deep wounds of fear and
distrust. Unless there is healing of
these wounds, they remain sore. To
protect themselves from getting hurt even more, victims often build walls
around their wounded selves. These
walls become private prisons of disappointment, survival, and fear. They may keep certain threatening people,
places, and things out, but the painful memories and fears remain inside.
Walls
aren’t easily removed. Boundaries on
the other hand, are flexible. We can
compare boundaries to Gortex. It keeps the rain from soaking through to
the skin but also lets excess heat escape so that a
person remains dry and comfortable.
Healthy boundaries allow you to breath. They protect you from harsh elements yet
allow you to pursue life without unnecessary discomfort.
A
good boundary enables you to feel safe and encourages you personal
growth. It sets you free to do what is
best.
Type of
Boundaries we set:
|
Body |
Relationships |
Behavior |
Time |
|
Talents |
Values |
Opinions |
Desires |
|
Children |
Beliefs |
Attitudes |
Creativity |
|
Work |
Feelings |
Giving |
Care for self |
|
Choices |
Love |
|
|
Sometimes
others will react to new standards/boundaries we set. Any change can be unsettling to them. However, treating yourself with respect is
never wrong or bad.
Good
boundaries serve others as well as yourself.
They take the guesswork out of relationships and save your energy and
commitment for people and activities want in your life.
You
can exercise your power to choose to accept only those “invitations” that are
respectful and safe. You don’t HAVE to
DO anything.
Setting
boundaries doesn’t ever make abuse get worse.
However, you should be aware that saying “NO” to a controlling person
can trigger a negative reaction.
Key: Welcome healthy and respectful people and
KEEP OUT hurtful people.
8. Communication
Communication
is exchanging thoughts, ideas and feelings with others. Communication of effected by personal and
environmental factors.
Personal
factors include: mood, energy
level/fatigue and body language.
Environmental factors include:
noise, temperatures and other distractions.
Each of us has the right and the
responsibility to:
- Be listened to
- Acknowledge the concerns of others
- Say what we feel and think
- Say "No" to something we don't want to do or don't
believe in, without feeling guilty
- Say "I need time to think about that"
- Negotiate to resolve differences
Active
listening sends the message that you want to understand what is being said, and
the person speaking is important to you.
Being a good listener builds healthy relationships.
Watch out for gestures that might
show you're not interested, you're bored, or you're closed to new ideas:
- doodling
- sighing
- slouching
- yawning
- looking at your watch or over the shoulder of the person speaking
- crossing your arms over your chest
- standing with hands on your hips
Show your
interest and respect with eye contact, a pleasant tone of voice and a smile.
Empathy
Empathy - is listening
to understand rather just to answer.
Active listening and
comforting or reassuring words strengthen relationships - they let the other
person know you can see things from his or her perspective.
It's difficult to
listen or comfort another person if you're feeling really angry, afraid, or
excited yourself.
When feelings are intense, you may try to defend your own position first
rather than hear the other person's concerns. Cool down strategies help you
to calm your own emotions and listen with an open mind.
Practice
non-defensive listening when the atmosphere is relaxed - then it will be
easier to use this skill when there's a problem or a conflict to resolve.
Taking time to understand others helps with being
understood.
When you need to express intense feelings, or brainstorm
solutions to a problem, choose a person who is an active listener.
Deciding
in advance that what a person is saying is not important means probably
you'll tune out - and you could miss an opportunity to learn something and to
strengthen a relationship.
It's difficult to listen if you're
too tired, trying to cook dinner or preoccupied with something else - in
those situations, it's best to set aside another time agreeable to both, when
you are able to give your full attention.
Preconceived ideas about what someone
is saying will block communication. When you keep an open mind, you are ready
to learn something new.
Eye contact reassures the person
speaking that you are listening, and builds trust in a relationship.
Don't judge a book by its cover -
important information can come from anyone, regardless of the package. Matching your body language with your words
through eye contact, a pleasant tone of voice and a warm smile conveys
interest and respect. This reassures the person speaking that you feel he/she
is important
Asking questions will help the person
clarify what he/she is telling you. You can show you understand by
paraphrasing - repeating in your own words what the person has said.
Looking beyond the actual words to
acknowledge the feelings lets the person speaking know that you are trying to
see things from his or her perspective. Even though you may not agree, you
will have shown that you care and that will help you to work out differences.
Communication Styles
Passive: Hesitates,
apologizes, gives in or says nothing.
Makes little eye contact, frowns, speaks in a shy or timid voice, or
mumbles.
Aggressive: Interrupts, exaggerates, blames, makes demands,
uses sarcasm, makes glaring eye contact, yells, swears, calls names, clenches
fist, ignores feelings of others.
Passive – Aggressive: Initially apologizes, then makes plan to
get even, avoids eye contact, expresses anger through body language or
actions (ie:
facial expression or slamming a door) instead of through words,
ignores the problem for the present but there may be an argument later.
Assertive: Speaks
clearly and firmly using statements, shows respect for self and for others,
makes steady eye contact, uses an upright confident
body posture and a pleasant, firm voice.
Being
assertive means:
·
You express your feelings and your
rights clearly.
·
You act in your own best interests
but still consider the needs and rights of
others.
·
You develop trust and equality in
your relationships.
·
You ask for help when you need it.
If
we have picked up unhealthy ways of communicating as a child, then we will
probably have difficulty talking or expressing emotions and opinions in our
adult relationships.
We
need to talk to each other. Often we
make the mistake of talking to everyone but the person who is in a position
to do anything about the problem. Not
to say that talking to a friend, a counselor or a mentor is not a good thing. It is simply that if the person involved
isn’t aware that there is a problem or you have never been open and honest
with them about how you feel then you can’t expect to see any change. We may need to learn how to express
ourselves in ways that help the other person hear what we are really saying –
we may have to learn to be honest – to be open. This can be very risky for a person who is
afraid to share their inner most thoughts and feelings for fear of being
judged, criticized or harmed in any way.
We
may need to learn how to listen. What
is the other person saying to us? If
their opinion is different from ours or if we do not agree with them – do we
still give them a chance to speak – do we try and see their side – do we get
our backs up – go on the defensive – or do we HEAR them.
And
not all big talkers are good communicators (they may never express the
important things or talk about personal thoughts and feelings). Not all quiet people are poor communicators
(they spend more time listening and thinking about what is being said and
when they do say something – it means something).
On
an added note: People also communicate
in the non-verbal way. Body language
can draw us to another or push us away.
Some people won’t like to make eye contact when they are discussing serious issues. Does this mean they are being dishonest? Not interested? Have something to hide? NO. Not necessarily. They may feel uncomfortable looking someone in the eye. They may feel exposed or vulnerable. They may have been taught that this was a sign of disrespect. They may need to look somewhere else to stay focused on what they are trying to say or to hear what you are saying. Some people fidget when the conversation turns serious or the topic is uncomfortable to them. Some people clench their fists when they feel threatened. There is much to learn through body language. It is an art unto itself. If we learn to interpret this then we can become more sensitive in our communication and in our listening.
Then
we need to take the time to find out if and how we can live together in a
healthy relationship.
9. Setting Short Term and Long Term Goals
The goals should be for personal healing, growth
and health.
Is
there a particular issue that is never resolved? The same thing keeps happening over and over. An answer is rarely sought and never
found. Each time it comes up – more
resentment builds until the situation seems helpless – over time there is
distance in the relationship.
Everyone
needs goals. Often, we get very
comfortable with the way things are, or maybe don’t see any hope – so we
exist – day after day – our situation never changes. We get into a rut. If this happens, we may need to establish
attainable goals.
How
do we establish goals when we are overwhelmed and don’t know where to start?
First
make a list of all the issues of concern to you. Separate them into categorizes. Then
prioritize them.
For
example: You are thinking of leaving a
relationship. What are the things you
need to consider.
The following is a list of questions to ask yourself
as a guide to leaving an abusive relationship.
- Where will
I live?
- Am I
moving to a location where there are resources I will need? (employment
opportunities, schools, doctor, hospital, mental health, community groups
and organizations, food bank, etc.)
- Do I have
a support network? Who are the
people who will support my decision and I know I can count on to help me
if I need it.
- Do I have
an income? Is it enough to
support me?
- Do I need
to look for a job?
- What
things will I be taking with me?
Do I have a way of moving them?
- Do I have
the finances to buy/rent a place to live?
- What other
things will I need at the new place?
Where will I get them?
- Do I need
to see a lawyer?
- Do I need
to get interim custody of the children?
- Do I
foresee any problems with my partner once I tell him/her what I am
doing?
- Do I need
to look at a safety plan?
- Should I
be getting a protection order?
This
list of questions will give you the direction you need to start the
process. If you are not sure of your
options, click onto one of the link on this website. There are a number of resource center who
have trained counselors who can assist you.
When
we establish goals, the journey begins.
We look at each issue and problem solve. If we don’t have enough information then we
need to look for new resources – to find out as much as we can so that we can
make informed choices. You may be
surprised by the support that is there for you. You may feel discouraged when those you
thought would be supportive are not.
The main thing is not to let those things get you down. Search for other supports. They are out there. When we are moving on to a healthier life,
we are going to learn that there are people out there who don’t want us to be
healthy. They want us to stay. They may be afraid.
Unfortunately,
winning the lottery isn’t going to solve all your problems. It usually just exchanges one set for
another.
No
one can honestly predict what tomorrow will bring. Does that mean that we never plan for our
future? No. However, it does put us on notice to live
for today as well.
We
need to remember to live today. Life
is about our day to day experiences – the journey is more often than not,
more important than the goal. In this
same way, we tend to ignore issues in our life – thinking that something will
happen tomorrow to make everything better – but days turn into weeks and
weeks into months and months into years – and nothing changes – unless we act
– knowing something has to change is not enough. We need to be DOERS of what we know is
right.
10. Commitment
In
order for anything to succeed there must be an agreement between the
individuals involved. If you are on a self
journey to healing and growth then the commitment you make will be with
yourself. When it comes to
relationships with others, one person alone can not bring about the changes
that may be necessary to improve the health of the relationship. You can’t force people into
commitment. There must be a genuine
desire to put in the energy that is needed to build or repair the
relationship.
LIFE HAS MANY STRESSORS. IT IS HOW WE RESPOND TO THOSE STRESSORS
THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE – WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS – TO RESPOND IN A NEGATIVE
AND DAMAGING WAY OR IN A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY WAY.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
Definitions
|
Healthy |
In a state or having good health; characteristics of a
sound condition; free of disease or defect |
|
Relationship |
A
connection by blood or family; kinship; friendship; a natural association |
|
Respect |
To show consideration or esteem for; to relate to; courtesy
or considerate treatment |
|
Trust |
confidence or faith in a person or thing; care or charge; the
confidence or arrangement by which property is managed and held for the
good or benefit of another person; to have confidence or faith in; to
believe; to expect; to entrust; to depend on |
|
Honesty |
Not lying, cheating or stealing; having or giving full
worth or value |
|
Love |
Intense
affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; a strong
feeling of attraction resulting from sexual desire; enthusiasm or fondness;
a score of zero in tennis. |
|
Tenderness |
Soft
treatment of something fragile, easily damaged or broken; softness;
compassionate |
|
Friendship |
from
friends; someone who is personally well known by oneself and for whom one
holds warm regards; a supporter of a cause or group |
|
Partnership |
two
or more persons who run a business together and share in the profits and
losses |
|
Compatible |
able
to function, exist or live together harmoniously |
|
Compassion |
sympathy for someone who is suffering or distressed in some
way |
|
Shared |
a part or portion given to or by one person; one of equal
parts |
|
Values |
the quality or worth of something that makes it valuable; a
principle regarded worthwhile or desirable To regard very highly; to rate according to importance,
worth or usefulness |
|
Clear |
free from precipitation and clouds; able to hear, see or
think easily; free from doubt or confusion; free from a burden, obligation
or guilt |
|
Expectation |
The sate or act of expecting; something that is expected
and looked forward to; something expected in the future |
|
Laughter |
To express amusement, satisfaction or pleasure with
inarticulate sounds |
|
Supportive |
To bear or hold the weight of; to tolerate; to give
assistance or approval |
|
Fun |
Not in the dictionary?! |
|
Responsibilities |
From responsible; trustworthy; in charge; having authority;
being answerable for one’s actions or the actions of others |
|
Good |
Having desirable or favorable qualities or characteristics;
morally excelling; virtuous; well-behaved; tractable; proper; excellent in
degree or quality; unspoiled; fresh; healthy; attractive; forever;
permanent |
|
Communication |
The act of transmitting ideas through writing or speech;
the means to transmit messages between persons or places |
|
Spending |
To give out; to use up; to pay; to exhaust |
|
Quality |
A high degree of excellence |
|
Time |
A continuous period measured by clocks, watches and calendars;
the period or moment in which something happens or takes place |
|
Fidelity |
Faithfulness or loyalty to obligations, vows and
duties. The degree to which
electronic equipment receives and transmits input signals without
distortion |
|
Transparency |
Admission of light so that images and objects can be
clearly viewed; easy to understand; obvious |
|
Acceptance |
Approval or belief; an accepting or being accepted. To take what is given, to believe to be
true; to agree |
|
Appreciate |
To recognize the worth, quality, or significance; to value
very highly; to be aware of; to realize; to increase in price or value |
|
Appreciation |
The expression of admiration, gratitude, or approval;
increase in value |
|
Safety |
From safe: secure from
danger, harm or evil |
|
Space |
The unlimited area in all directions in which events occur
and have relative direction; an interval of time |
|
Forgiveness |
To pardon; to give up resentment; to cease to feel
resentment against |
|
Repentance |
To feel regret for something which has occurred; to change
one’s sinful way |
|
Sinful |
The act of doing something which is morally wrong |
|
Common |
Having to do with; belonging to |
|
Goal |
A purpose; the area or space into which participants must direct
play in order to score |
|
Commitment |
An action work: to
pledge; to give someone into another’s care for safe keeping, care, custody
or the like; to entrust; to involve oneself in difficulties |
|
YOU... |
|
|
|
Can't be
honest about your feelings and can't talk about them freely with your
partner. |
|
|
Think
you can make your partner's problems go away. |
|
|
Are
afraid of your partner's temper, so you avoid making him/her angry. |
|
|
Usually
feel unhappy in this relationship. |
|
YOUR PARTNER... |
|
|
|
Wants to
know where you are and who you are with at all times. |
|
|
Won't
let you talk to others, even if they are your friends. He/she is very
jealous. |
|
|
Criticizes
your friends or family and asks you to stop seeing them. |
|
|
Decides
how you spend your time together. |
|
|
Has the
power to make you feel bad and uses it. |
|
|
Scares
you by driving fast, drinking too much or doing other risky things. |
|
|
Has threatened
to hurt you or has hurt you even if he/she is sorry afterwards. |
|
|
Makes
threats about hurting your friends or pets, or threatens to kill himself or herself if you don't obey or agree. |
|
|
Pressures
you to do sexual things you don't want to do and puts you down when you
refuse. |
|
|
Does not
support your decision to practice safer sex. |
|
If
you checked one or more of the above, you may have an unhealthy
relationship. |
|
SAFETY PLANNING
- The Protection Plan
What is a protection plan?
A
protection plan will help you and your children get to a safe place when you are
in danger. The plan will include where to go, and what you need to take with
you, if you’re forced to leave your home to escape from a violent partner.
When do you need a protection plan?
- If you are in an abusive relationship
When
you are living within the cycle of violence you need to be prepared to
get yourself and your children to safety when you feel tension building.
- If you have recently left an abusive
relationship
If
you remain in the family home, it is possible your partner may return and
threaten or assault you again. Even if you have obtained a court order, that is no guarantee that the abuser will stay
away.
If you leave the
family home, your partner may search for you, and threaten or assault you.
Elements of a Protection Plan
Remember
– each protection plan is unique, because each person’s circumstances are
unique. The most important thing is your safety and the safety of your
children.
1) Be aware of the
signs that tell you an assault is about to take place.
Every
abusive person has a different set of signs that indirectly tells the partner
an incident is about to happen. Being aware of these “signs” can help people
in an abusive relationship know when they will be at risk.
It is important to trust your instincts.
Answering
the following questions will help you figure out what signs to look for:
- What does your partner do or say in the
period before an incident?
- Does alcohol play a role in the violence
towards you?
- Is there a predictable time between incidents?
When was the last incident and when can you expect the next one?
- Are there other indicators an incident is
about to happen? Examples may include unemployment, pregnancy and money
troubles.
2) Be aware of things
the abuser can use to hurt you.
- Be aware of where guns, knives and other
weapons are stored.
- Find "safe places" where there are
fewer dangerous things. Try to stay out of the kitchen, garage or
workshop.
3) Decide on a safe
place you can go with your children
This
might be a crisis shelter, the home of a friend or relative, a hotel, or any
other place in which you can be safe. Be aware of who lives in your
area. If you cannot leave your home, is there a room or area of your
home where you can be safe? Tell your neighbors about the situation and
request that they call the police if they see the abuser, or hear suspicious
noises coming from your house.
4) Decide how you
will get there.
Decide
what transportation you will use to get to a safe place. If you have a
car, hide a spare key and keep a full tank of gas. If not, who can help you
get to your place of safety? You might arrange for a friend, neighbor
or relative to pick you up when the time comes. You may also want to
keep some money with friends, so that when you feel threatened, you can leave
quickly by taxi even if you have no cash on you. The police or Domestic
Abuse Crisis Line may be able to help you plan your transportation.
5) Decide how you
will escape from your home if an attack is about to happen.
Find
out if there is a door or window you can use for escape, if necessary, and
whether your children can also be taken out through these exits. Make
sure that once you leave the home, you know immediately where to go.
Find out beforehand where the nearest public phone is. Memorize any
emergency numbers you may need (i.e., crisis shelter, police, social worker,
etc.)
6) Decide what to
take when you leave.
Do not stay behind to take any belongings
if it endangers you or your children. If possible, do not leave your
children. If you are in immediate danger and need to leave them,
return as soon as possible, with the police if necessary.
BEFORE YOU RETURN TO YOUR HOME, MAKE
SURE IT IS SAFE TO DO SO. BRING SOMEONE WITH YOU, IF YOU ARE IN DOUBT.
Additional Tips:
- Put some money away in a safe place - a
little at a time
- Change computer passwords to ensure
confidential information remains secure
- Teach your children how to contact police
If
you are not in immediate danger, you should pack the following useful items:
- identification for you and your children -
such as birth certificates, your social insurance number, driver's
license, immigration papers or treaty card, health care band numbers,
passports
- legal documents - your mortgage or lease, or
information about loans or assets you have, a copy of a protection
order, custody orders
- address book
- credit cards, ATM card, checks, bank book
- keys - for your house, car and safety
deposit box (if you have one)
- personal items - clothing and toiletries
- medications you or your children are taking
- things for your children - clothing,
favorite toys, medicine, diapers or bottles
Remember
- safety for you and your children is most important
7) If an assault
occurs, contact the police.
If
you do not have a phone think of where you can access one.
DEFINITIONS
Definition of Abuse
The
use of or the threat to use forceful physical, sexual, emotional,
verbal/psychological means by one person to coerce another to do something that
they want in order to maintain their control in the relationship.
Physical Abuse
Any
forceful or violent physical behavior towards you.
Hitting,
slapping, kicking, punching, pushing, shoving, scratching, biting, burning,
pulling hair, choking, restraining, spitting at/on a person, throwing an
object at a person, throwing a person bodily, using a weapon, abandoning a
person in an unsafe place, breaking bones, denying a person medical
treatment, murder.
Sexual Abuse
Any
non-consenting sexual act or behavior.
Forced
sex when you are sleeping, drunk, high, unable to say no, afraid to say no,
after having said no or without asking, unwanted touching, forced to perform
an unwanted sex act, forced to watch or participate in a sexual activity
against your will.
Emotional Abuse
Anything
that attacks a person’s self-esteem or who they are.
Name
calling, the silent treatment, ignoring, being told you can’t do anything
right, being blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong, having affection
withheld, not treated well in public or around friends, being mocked (laughed
at), having family members criticized, insulted, belittled, being cut off or
interrupted (what you have to say is not important), being criticized or
ridiculed (your body, personality, education, thoughts, values, ideas, job,
the way you dress, do things, your faults or strengths, etc.)
Psychological Abuse
Anything
done to you involving hurt, anger, fear and degradation.
Threatened
with physical violence, threatened with a weapon, to have pets, children
harmed, to have your property hidden, stolen, destroyed, vague threats,
forced to stay awake or to get up from sleep, confined to the house, having
objects thrown and/or broken, punching walls, slamming doors, monitoring/limiting
use of the phone, keeping you from friends and family, refusing to let you
work, following you (stalking you), interrupting your meals, keeping you from
doing the things you enjoy, controlling the finances, making you beg for
money, refusing to work, spending all the family money on themselves or their
addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc), acting as though the work you do
is of no value, restricting you to certain rooms, denying you access to
certain rooms, checking the km odometer on the car, jealousy, forcing you to
do things you don’t like, insisting that you be with them all the time,
insisting that you carry a cell phone in order to keep track of your
whereabouts, going through you personal things without your consent, having
to account for any time spent apart, having to account for any money spent,
making endless lists of things for you to do in impossible time frames,
threatening that they will leave or commit suicide if you don’t do something
they want or do something they don’t want you to.
Financial Abuse
Anything
done to control you financially, including taking your paycheque from you,
refusing you money to take care of your basic needs, denying you or your
children the basic necessities when there is a financial means to do so, making
you beg for money for basic needs, not including you in financial decisions,
using the family financial resources to feed an addiction, etc.
Spiritual Abuse
Being
denied to participate in or explore your own spirituality, forcing you to
accept and/or participate in spiritual activities you do not believe in,
mocking your beliefs, using religion in order to control or harm you.
3rd Party Abuse –
Child Witnesses
Many
children who witness violence and abuse within the home have been found to
have higher levels of behavioral and emotional problems than other
children. The impact varies according
to their age, sex and role in the family.
Some children feel responsible for the violence/abuse. They may think that they are making things
easier for the parents by appearing to cope with the situation, by trying to
be quieter, and by not saying how they feel.
While most children escape without physical injury they may bear
emotional scars which in many cases can last a lifetime.
Effects
on children include:
Feelings
of fear, anger, depression, grief, shame, despair and distrust; a sense of
powerlessness; physical reactions such as stomach cramps, headaches, sleeping
and eating difficulties, frequent illness; slow developmental capacities such
as poor school performance, low self-esteem, difficulty relating to peers;
substance abuse; behavioral problems such as running away from home, acting
out, aggressive language and behavior; learning that violence is a legitimate
means for resolving conflict, or for obtaining control of a situation.
MYTHS
Part of the
awareness of the effects of violence is a knowledge
of the myths about these effects.
Among the most
common of these myths are:
a. Children are
not aware of the violence in the home if the parents do not
behave violently with each other in front of
them. Research has demonstrated
that 80% to 90%
of children in homes characterized by partner violence are
aware of and
affected by the violence (Fitzgerald, 1999; Wolak
& Finkelhor,
1998).
b. Children do
not think about or commit suicide. Although adolescence are
more prone to
suicide, young children also suffer from depression and suicide
ideology. In
and youth ages
10 to 24 (Canadian Mental Association, 2001), with males
more often committing suicide than females
(Statistics Canada, 2005).
Children
exposed to violence in the home are particularly at risk (McWhirter,
McWhirter, McWhirter,
& McWhirter, 2004).
c. Corporal punishment
of children has no negative effects. The literature
indicates that
corporal punishment can easily lead to abuse and that physical
discipline
negatively effects children’s sense of self and transmits messages
about the
acceptability of the use of violence (Trocme, et
al., 2001;Voices for
Children,
2003).
Truth:
Some children
will talk about wanting to end this life to go to heaven or come back in
another life, which is likely a way of expressing deep feelings of
frustration regarding for their life situation. Reasons why children may
consider or act on suicide include:
• Attempt to
regain control in their lives
• Retaliation
or revenge against real or perceived wrongs
• Fantasies
about reunion with loved ones who have died
• Relief or
escape from unbearable pain
• Seeing
themselves as the family scapegoat
• To distract
the family from other issues such as divorce
• Acting out a
covert or overt desire of a parent to be rid of the child
(Centre for
Suicide Prevention, referencing Goldman & Beardslee,
p.429).
Children that
experience traumatic events will often formulate cognitive distortions or
misperceptions about these experiences in an attempt to make sense of the
event, gain a sense of control over the event and its consequences, or prevent
the event from occurring again. The form their distortions take will be
related to their level of cognitive development. For example, older children
often have more complex distortions than younger children. Among the
more common
cognitive distortion evidenced in children and adolescents are self blame and
taking on responsibility for the event, guilt, viewing all others as
untrustworthy, having a negative view of themselves, others, and/or the
world, misperceiving ambiguous events as threatening, and errors about the
intent of the person who used violence (Cohen, Mannarino,
Berliner, & Deblinger, 2000; Stallard, 2002). Self blame and personal responsibility
often help children feel that they can control the event by changing their
behaviour. Systems within the child’s social environment can intentionally or
unintentionally support these distortions (Cohen et al., 2000). For example,
a parent who behaves abusively may claim that the noise the children were
making made them so angry that they lashed out. Children’s distortions and
misperceptions are associated with emotional and behavioral symptoms (Cohen
et al., 2000; Stallard, 2002).
Group
Counselling
Five significant ways that group can be
beneficial to their participants.
1. Group
support comes from
the significant realization that you are not alone in your experiences.
2. Group
learning develops as
you share ideas with supportive peers.
3. Group
optimism occurs when
you are inspired by the life-changing solutions that others have successfully
integrated into their lives.
4.
5. Group
empowerment develops
when sharing with others with common experiences, you feel encouraged to make
changes that you might not have felt capable of alone.
Although
different programs sometimes focus on or place emphasis on different content
material, most have similar core areas of coverage. Among these core content
areas are:
• Sharing
personal experiences.
• Identifying
and expressing emotions around the violence (separation, blame, loss).
• Defining
healthy and unhealthy relationship structures.
• Dispelling myths
regarding unhealthy and violence in the family.
• Separation
and divorce.
• Personal
power.
• Coping
strategies.
• Learning
constructive conflict resolution strategies.
• Developing
safety/prevention plans including information about community resources.
•
Developing strategies for change – short term and long term personal goal
setting
~ LIVE LIFE – BE THE BEST
YOU CAN BE ~